Why Avoidance Isn’t Coping: Helping Men Face What Hurts
Introduction: Numb Now, Worse Later
Many men arrive in therapy after months—or years—of shutting down, numbing out, or staying busy. Avoidance might look like working long hours, scrolling endlessly, drinking “just enough,” or withdrawing from intimacy. In the short term, it works. But over time, it creates disconnection, depression, and compulsion.
This blog explores why avoidance feels safe, how it stems from trauma, and how therapy can help men build the capacity to face difficult emotions—without being overwhelmed.
What Is Avoidance?
Avoidance is a defense mechanism where we distract, deny, or distance ourselves from emotional pain, perceived danger, or discomfort. It can be:
Cognitive: “I just don’t think about it.”
Emotional: “I don’t feel anything anymore.”
Behavioral: “I avoid people, situations, or memories.”
In men, avoidance often masquerades as stoicism or strength, but it’s rooted in unprocessed pain or fear (Levant et al., 2009).
🔗 How to Know If You’re Emotionally Numb
Why Men Are Prone to Avoidance
1. Cultural Expectations
From an early age, boys are taught:
“Don’t cry.”
“Tough it out.”
“Stay strong.”
These messages normalize emotional suppression, turning avoidance into a default mode of coping. By adulthood, many men feel disconnected from their own emotions—and unequipped to handle others’.
2. Trauma and Emotional Neglect
Men with histories of:
Childhood abuse or neglect
Emotionally unavailable caregivers
Attachment disruptions
Often learn to survive by shutting down. In trauma, avoidance protects us. But when the threat is over, it becomes a barrier to connection and healing (Van der Kolk, 2015).
🔗 The Link Between Childhood Trauma and Relationship Struggles
3. Shame and Self-Protection
Avoidance also serves to protect against shame—the deep belief that “something’s wrong with me.” Men may avoid:
Talking about addiction
Addressing infidelity
Owning emotional wounds
This shame-avoidance loop fuels anxiety, numbing behaviors, and relational distance.
🔗 The Cycle of Shame in Porn Addiction
The Costs of Avoidance Over Time
1. Emotional Disconnection
Avoiding pain also blocks joy, intimacy, and meaning. Over time, men may report feeling:
Numb
Lost
Angry for no reason
Like they’re “just going through the motions”
2. Relationship Breakdown
Avoidance prevents:
Honest communication
Emotional presence with partners and children
Repair after conflict
It often leads to resentment, loneliness, or betrayal trauma in relationships.
🔗 Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal
3. Compulsion and Addiction
Unfaced pain demands relief. Many men turn to:
Pornography
Food
Gambling
Work
Alcohol
Compulsive behaviors are symptoms of avoidance, not moral failings.
How Therapy Helps Men Face What Hurts
1. Creating a Safe Space
Avoidance is usually rooted in fear. Therapy creates a space where:
You won’t be judged
You can go at your own pace
Emotions are safe to name and explore
Trauma-informed therapists help men build trust with their own nervous systems, making room for growth and regulation.
2. EMDR and Trauma Reprocessing
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is especially helpful for men who avoid talking about past pain. It allows for:
Processing trauma nonverbally
Rewiring how the brain stores threat
Reducing reactivity to memories or triggers
🔗 How EMDR Helps Men Recover Without Talking About It
3. CBT and Emotional Skills Training
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps men:
Recognize patterns of avoidance
Build distress tolerance
Challenge avoidance-fueled thoughts (“I can’t handle this”)
It also teaches tools to feel without acting out.
Real Coping Isn’t Avoidance—It’s Capacity
Avoidance says: “Don’t feel it. Don’t deal with it.”
Real coping says: “I can feel this and stay grounded.”
Therapy helps men:
Feel more without being flooded
Develop language for what hurts
Build capacity for stress, conflict, and love
Reconnect with their values and their people
📞 Start Therapy for Men in Minnesota
Final Thoughts: Strength Isn’t Silence
Avoidance may have once helped you survive—but it can’t help you live fully. At Vital Mental Health, we help men across Minnesota stop running from their pain and start running toward freedom.
You don’t have to face it alone. We’ll help you build the strength to face what hurts—and heal.
APA Citations
Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., & Rankin, T. J. (2009). Male role norms inventory–short form (MRNI–SF): Development, confirmatory factor analytic investigation of structure, and measurement invariance. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 56(2), 218–232. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014568
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
